Today is the first day that I have felt like I have the time to sit and think, much less, write.
I woke up early this morning, about 4:15. My alarm does not go off until 5:45 am, giving me time to make a pot of coffee and organize my thoughts, the best i can, before getting the kids up at 6:00 am.
So, I got up, started the coffee and quiet as a mouse, my youngest peers around the corner of the cabinet in the kitchen. "Hi mom." comes a quiet little voice. "Good morning Honey", I reply, "it is very early for you to be up." She doesn't care how early it is, she just wants to be up with Mom and have Mom all to herself. :)
I grabbed my cup, pored my self some coffee, added my usual blend of cream and way too much sugar and headed for the front door. As I was walking to the front door, I started asking for some calm in my life this morning; some guidance towards what I need to do and how I need to do it, to bring some serenity to my life. My life right now is filled with term oil and I feel like I can't shake the anxiety....even with medication, it has a grip on me. As I reach the front door, I realized that I had just been begging God for help. Where is my higher power? Why am I dealing with this crap all alone? My horses are not even consoling me these last few weeks. I need some help!
I open the door, quiet hits me in the face, like a soft, cool breeze.........right in front of me stands two deer. A Doe and her fawn. They are quietly and peacefully eating the leaves off the half dried wildflowers in my garden (weed garden, to be honest). It was the most beautiful and calming picture. I quickly said "Thank you. " and sat quietly down to drink my coffee.
I do believe that I ask all of the time, for guidance, for help, and I never feel like I receive it. But I am starting to realize that it has always been there, but that I had allowed my pain, anger and anxiety to consume me, and shut the door on any chance of recognizing the gifts that my higher power offered to me when i asked for it. He, ( it, her...whatever you may feel comfortable calling the higher power) gives me the gift of intuition, and his grace, every time I have asked, I just get in the way of seeing it. I look for concrete proofs, and that just is not how they are given. I have to remember that it is a feeling, deep inside the heart. It is not a medal sign that appears in front of me, instead, it is subtle small gifts, like the deer eating peacefully at my door as I walk out to watch the sun rise. And that is the way I feel it!
