Today is the first day that I have felt like I have the time to sit and think, much less, write.
I woke up early this morning, about 4:15. My alarm does not go off until 5:45 am, giving me time to make a pot of coffee and organize my thoughts, the best i can, before getting the kids up at 6:00 am.
So, I got up, started the coffee and quiet as a mouse, my youngest peers around the corner of the cabinet in the kitchen. "Hi mom." comes a quiet little voice. "Good morning Honey", I reply, "it is very early for you to be up." She doesn't care how early it is, she just wants to be up with Mom and have Mom all to herself. :)
I grabbed my cup, pored my self some coffee, added my usual blend of cream and way too much sugar and headed for the front door. As I was walking to the front door, I started asking for some calm in my life this morning; some guidance towards what I need to do and how I need to do it, to bring some serenity to my life. My life right now is filled with term oil and I feel like I can't shake the anxiety....even with medication, it has a grip on me. As I reach the front door, I realized that I had just been begging God for help. Where is my higher power? Why am I dealing with this crap all alone? My horses are not even consoling me these last few weeks. I need some help!
I open the door, quiet hits me in the face, like a soft, cool breeze.........right in front of me stands two deer. A Doe and her fawn. They are quietly and peacefully eating the leaves off the half dried wildflowers in my garden (weed garden, to be honest). It was the most beautiful and calming picture. I quickly said "Thank you. " and sat quietly down to drink my coffee.
I do believe that I ask all of the time, for guidance, for help, and I never feel like I receive it. But I am starting to realize that it has always been there, but that I had allowed my pain, anger and anxiety to consume me, and shut the door on any chance of recognizing the gifts that my higher power offered to me when i asked for it. He, ( it, her...whatever you may feel comfortable calling the higher power) gives me the gift of intuition, and his grace, every time I have asked, I just get in the way of seeing it. I look for concrete proofs, and that just is not how they are given. I have to remember that it is a feeling, deep inside the heart. It is not a medal sign that appears in front of me, instead, it is subtle small gifts, like the deer eating peacefully at my door as I walk out to watch the sun rise. And that is the way I feel it!
my dream
Friday, September 16, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Blogging, school (on-line) , life, etc. etc...............geesh!
I AM TIRED. I am confused, I am being mellow dramatic, I feel ignored, thworthed,(SP?) and somewhat left behind.
I found myself this morning, thinking about my Mother, which is nothing new, she was always the one who kept me focused. even when she was not physically there. I was feeling like I needed to talk with some one. I was going through a mental list of confidants, in my head of who I could share my latest angst with. My husband was not one, because he just spent the last week with me and I am sure he got his months worth of my rants and raves. He is always a great sport about listening and allowing me my time to revel in my despair, but I am careful to not over burden him with my own baggage as he carries his own and rarely puts it down to breath. So there I was, thinking to myself, "I will talk to Mom about this, oh wait! I can not! She died almost eight years ago!" Oh woe is me, more crap to add to my own despair.
So, there I sit, no body to talk to. Wait!! I can blog and dump it all out there for the world to see, to smell, to touch and get all dirty with my garbage. awh, handing it off to the rest of mankind to revel in.Yes! that is what i will do, but first i have to sort the laundry, clean the kitchen, take the kids to the park, and go pick up my medication. By then, i will not need to blog and you all will be left hanging there, wondering..............
Gee, that is not very nice. I will have to think of something...........hmnmmm, I am sure I can conjur up some thing mellow dramatic and colorful to blog about, maybe it will be real AND then, maybe it won't. ;)
That is all.........for now.
I found myself this morning, thinking about my Mother, which is nothing new, she was always the one who kept me focused. even when she was not physically there. I was feeling like I needed to talk with some one. I was going through a mental list of confidants, in my head of who I could share my latest angst with. My husband was not one, because he just spent the last week with me and I am sure he got his months worth of my rants and raves. He is always a great sport about listening and allowing me my time to revel in my despair, but I am careful to not over burden him with my own baggage as he carries his own and rarely puts it down to breath. So there I was, thinking to myself, "I will talk to Mom about this, oh wait! I can not! She died almost eight years ago!" Oh woe is me, more crap to add to my own despair.
So, there I sit, no body to talk to. Wait!! I can blog and dump it all out there for the world to see, to smell, to touch and get all dirty with my garbage. awh, handing it off to the rest of mankind to revel in.Yes! that is what i will do, but first i have to sort the laundry, clean the kitchen, take the kids to the park, and go pick up my medication. By then, i will not need to blog and you all will be left hanging there, wondering..............
Gee, that is not very nice. I will have to think of something...........hmnmmm, I am sure I can conjur up some thing mellow dramatic and colorful to blog about, maybe it will be real AND then, maybe it won't. ;)
That is all.........for now.
Information~ maybe, just maybe, this will get your attention.
By Bonnie Erbe, Thomas Jefferson Street blog
If you can’t persuade them for the right reasons, then scare them with the facts.
A new paper in the journal Food & Chemical Toxicology shows how dangerous American horse meat is for human consumption.
Americans should stop selling horses for slaughter abroad because we love our horses and do not treat them as livestock. That’s the right reason to stop this incredibly cruel practice. Still, millions of greedy horse owners and breeders send horses off to slaughter because it’s more remunerative than not breeding at all or even having them euthanized.
But according to this new paper, humans who consume horse meat (most often overseas and especially in France, Italy, Japan and Belgium) are at risk for being poisoned by Phenylbutazone or “bute.” It’s a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug originally developed for treating severe cases of arthritis, but it was later found to…
The paper’s authors call it a “significant health hazard” for people to consume horse meat. I hope this information is highly promulgated throughout horse-consuming societies in Europe and Asia.
No Matter how you Cut It, Horse Slaughter Kills both Horses AND Humans
If you can’t persuade them for the right reasons, then scare them with the facts.
A new paper in the journal Food & Chemical Toxicology shows how dangerous American horse meat is for human consumption.
Americans should stop selling horses for slaughter abroad because we love our horses and do not treat them as livestock. That’s the right reason to stop this incredibly cruel practice. Still, millions of greedy horse owners and breeders send horses off to slaughter because it’s more remunerative than not breeding at all or even having them euthanized.
But according to this new paper, humans who consume horse meat (most often overseas and especially in France, Italy, Japan and Belgium) are at risk for being poisoned by Phenylbutazone or “bute.” It’s a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug originally developed for treating severe cases of arthritis, but it was later found to…
“cause serious and lethal idiosyncratic adverse effects in humans. Sixty-seven million pounds of horsemeat derived from American horses were sent abroad for human consumption last year. Horses are not raised as food animals in the United States and, mechanisms to ensure the removal of horses treated with banned substances from the food chain are inadequate at best.”Bute is still routinely used not just at the thoroughbred racetrack, which is what the authors of this paper studied, but also by horse owners nationwide to mitigate pain for all sorts of horse injuries. Horses do not have the same lethal reaction to bute that humans can display, although long-term use of bute for horses can create ulcers and other organ damage.
The paper’s authors call it a “significant health hazard” for people to consume horse meat. I hope this information is highly promulgated throughout horse-consuming societies in Europe and Asia.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Rants and raves ~ I do this at times.
I am a military spouse, among all the other rolls in my life. This one brings no more pride than any of the others, but it demands the most out of me.
One thing I have noticed through out my career as a military spouse, is that people look at you and see some sort of woman made of steel, like you are unbreakable, well it may be true to a certain degree. But Military spouses are just people. Just regular people who have been handed a large task. Wether the task is difficult or not is entirely up to how you handle it, or don't handle it.We put up with alot and also do it , quite a bit of the time, alone. But then there are a whole slew of single parents out there that do it all the time. That is not really what I am ranting about. I know how it works and I deal with it. I don't complain, I just take things as they come and remember that when my spouse retires, it will be done. I will have the rest of our life together to spend with him and we will have an OK retirement to go along with whatever my income will be at that time.
What I get upset about is actually with in the Military community. This whole idea that deployment is the only stressed out time, or that a military spouse only needs support when the Soldier is on Deployment. Or that the children are only affected when Mommy or daddy are deployed.
Ya see, we are not Active Duty, and we are not National Guard. We are Active Guard and Reserve. that means my husband is full time, but he is in the National Guard. We get some of the benefits of being full time, like a job, but alot of the benefits that go along with Active Duty, does not apply. Like, a big one, support, being involved with other military with in a community. Inside that community if your car breaks down, or you get sick, there is a community of support there to help 24/7. There is none of that in the AGR.
In fact, you might as well crawl off the planet because Big Army doesn't give a S--- about you, and neither does regular guard. Regular Guard things that you get more than you deserve. This is all how it feels, by the way you get treated when it comes to needs. And there is just not programs out there set up for those that fit into this category. (AGR) Besides this, I get so tired of listening to other spouses whine about the spouses being gone. Ok, I know they are deployed, and it is dangerous. Hey, you are married to a soldier, be proud, but don't whine about it. There are lots of tragedy's in the world. my husband is gone except for 8 days out of every month. Because the full time job, which in the economy today, is a difficult thing to come across or hold on to, is 4 hours away. We don't get extra pay like separation pay. Though our family is pulled apart and suffers just as much as if we were experiencing separation of a deployment, and we pay for this. It cost extra money out of his pay to hold two living spaces. We are not splurging either. He lives in a motor home. It is not the Ritz. He does not get paid danger pay either, and it is dangerous driving on these high ways. Alot of people die every day in automobile accidents. But there is no compensation for what he is doing for the Uniform.
"Well, he comes home on his weekends", (as long as he has it off, Cars break down, animals run out of food, house hold items break down, I GET SICK. life does not stop just for me, just because my husband is not deployed but has to go out of town every week for his job in the military.
The whining and the complaining and the "oh look at me, I am a military spouse and my spouse is deployed, so I am more important than anyone else" kind of attitude makes me sick.
Ambulance chasers, attention hounds, call it what ever you want. It is exhausting to listen to. Get over it and get on with your life, do something good for you and your kids and quit complaining, so when your spouse does come home they can enjoy you rather than have to be responsible for all your misery from when they were gone.
By the way, I have managed to live through 2 deployments, one with a storm that was compared to the Columbus day storm on the Oregon Coast and the other, My son was born and my Mother passed away. I survived, and didn't need alot of outside support. No body took my picture, no body gave me an award. It was my job to hold it together and take care of my kids, and that is what I did. GAHHH!
One thing I have noticed through out my career as a military spouse, is that people look at you and see some sort of woman made of steel, like you are unbreakable, well it may be true to a certain degree. But Military spouses are just people. Just regular people who have been handed a large task. Wether the task is difficult or not is entirely up to how you handle it, or don't handle it.We put up with alot and also do it , quite a bit of the time, alone. But then there are a whole slew of single parents out there that do it all the time. That is not really what I am ranting about. I know how it works and I deal with it. I don't complain, I just take things as they come and remember that when my spouse retires, it will be done. I will have the rest of our life together to spend with him and we will have an OK retirement to go along with whatever my income will be at that time.
What I get upset about is actually with in the Military community. This whole idea that deployment is the only stressed out time, or that a military spouse only needs support when the Soldier is on Deployment. Or that the children are only affected when Mommy or daddy are deployed.
Ya see, we are not Active Duty, and we are not National Guard. We are Active Guard and Reserve. that means my husband is full time, but he is in the National Guard. We get some of the benefits of being full time, like a job, but alot of the benefits that go along with Active Duty, does not apply. Like, a big one, support, being involved with other military with in a community. Inside that community if your car breaks down, or you get sick, there is a community of support there to help 24/7. There is none of that in the AGR.
In fact, you might as well crawl off the planet because Big Army doesn't give a S--- about you, and neither does regular guard. Regular Guard things that you get more than you deserve. This is all how it feels, by the way you get treated when it comes to needs. And there is just not programs out there set up for those that fit into this category. (AGR) Besides this, I get so tired of listening to other spouses whine about the spouses being gone. Ok, I know they are deployed, and it is dangerous. Hey, you are married to a soldier, be proud, but don't whine about it. There are lots of tragedy's in the world. my husband is gone except for 8 days out of every month. Because the full time job, which in the economy today, is a difficult thing to come across or hold on to, is 4 hours away. We don't get extra pay like separation pay. Though our family is pulled apart and suffers just as much as if we were experiencing separation of a deployment, and we pay for this. It cost extra money out of his pay to hold two living spaces. We are not splurging either. He lives in a motor home. It is not the Ritz. He does not get paid danger pay either, and it is dangerous driving on these high ways. Alot of people die every day in automobile accidents. But there is no compensation for what he is doing for the Uniform.
"Well, he comes home on his weekends", (as long as he has it off, Cars break down, animals run out of food, house hold items break down, I GET SICK. life does not stop just for me, just because my husband is not deployed but has to go out of town every week for his job in the military.
The whining and the complaining and the "oh look at me, I am a military spouse and my spouse is deployed, so I am more important than anyone else" kind of attitude makes me sick.
Ambulance chasers, attention hounds, call it what ever you want. It is exhausting to listen to. Get over it and get on with your life, do something good for you and your kids and quit complaining, so when your spouse does come home they can enjoy you rather than have to be responsible for all your misery from when they were gone.
By the way, I have managed to live through 2 deployments, one with a storm that was compared to the Columbus day storm on the Oregon Coast and the other, My son was born and my Mother passed away. I survived, and didn't need alot of outside support. No body took my picture, no body gave me an award. It was my job to hold it together and take care of my kids, and that is what I did. GAHHH!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
What to talk about...........
I haven't written much because I just can't seem to organize what is in my head lately. It feels like a whirlwind up there. there is so much going on in my head, in the world and everywhere else, that I just can't seem to figure out where to even begin.
There are so many issues that I follow, and alot (there's that word again) that I am passionate about. it is like craziness all the time. I really relate to my 2nd child who has Autism. It can be so hard to filter out all of the stuff in my present environment, and sometimes it is so overwhelming, i just can't speak. If I did speak, it would not make any sense to anyone but me.
I always tell my husband that I wish I could make a video tape of my head, and what is up there. I am sure that it would be highly entertaining, maybe a little bizarre (well, more than a little) at times, and very passionate. I am a very passionate person, about most things. i guess that is why things bother me so easily, not because I am pessimistic, as some might say or think, but because i feel so much, so deeply. I can only imagine how horrifying at times, the world seems to my son. (Note to self) I need to remember this when he and i are doing homework and i am frustrated with it.
I spend quite a large mount of time on my facebook page. It is my social time, I know, how sad. I don't have alot of social time away from home because of living circumstances. no big deal, this is just how it is for now. But anyway, I get really annoyed with how rude and unthoughtful people are theses days. They are so judgmental of others, but expect others to be accepting of their thoughts and attitudes. how can you expect to be treated with dignity and respect if you show none to others? I mean is that so hard to get????
Good lord, I am rambling. I am gonna stop. I have to go feed my best friends and do some laundry. (oh, how domestic of me. )
There are so many issues that I follow, and alot (there's that word again) that I am passionate about. it is like craziness all the time. I really relate to my 2nd child who has Autism. It can be so hard to filter out all of the stuff in my present environment, and sometimes it is so overwhelming, i just can't speak. If I did speak, it would not make any sense to anyone but me.
I always tell my husband that I wish I could make a video tape of my head, and what is up there. I am sure that it would be highly entertaining, maybe a little bizarre (well, more than a little) at times, and very passionate. I am a very passionate person, about most things. i guess that is why things bother me so easily, not because I am pessimistic, as some might say or think, but because i feel so much, so deeply. I can only imagine how horrifying at times, the world seems to my son. (Note to self) I need to remember this when he and i are doing homework and i am frustrated with it.
I spend quite a large mount of time on my facebook page. It is my social time, I know, how sad. I don't have alot of social time away from home because of living circumstances. no big deal, this is just how it is for now. But anyway, I get really annoyed with how rude and unthoughtful people are theses days. They are so judgmental of others, but expect others to be accepting of their thoughts and attitudes. how can you expect to be treated with dignity and respect if you show none to others? I mean is that so hard to get????
Good lord, I am rambling. I am gonna stop. I have to go feed my best friends and do some laundry. (oh, how domestic of me. )
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Meetings, meetings, meetings.
I have to meet with my son's IEP team tomorrow. I always feel like I have entered a court room when I go to these things. I hate them and I am sure that it shows on my face, in my voice and my body language. It does not help that the professionals out there tend to look at parents as not really knowing much, because they have no initials behind their names so that some how makes us illiterate on the subject. NOT so. Parents know their kids best and most parents, all the ones I know, have done their research on their child's specific differences. I call them differences because I do not see my son as "disabled" I see him as different and very special. I have to put on a "game Face" for tomorrow and I am so not good at that. UGH!!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Feeling vs. Thinking
I guess I should clarify why I would call my blog "The way I FEEL it".
A few years ago, actually it was about 6, I found out that my 2nd child had a mild form of Autism. It is called Aspergers. (It is not listed in my dictionary, and yes, that is the way it is spelled) So, as I began my quest to learn everything there is to know about Autism Spectrum disorders, (I do not like the term "disorder") I ran across a woman by the name Of Temple Grandin. Actually she is known as DR. Temple Grandin, and she has Autism. She also happens to be brilliant and she has written many books on Autism and Animal Behavior . That is a whole other post, (about the animal behavior part) but the autism part is the here and now.....and forever. :)
Dr. Grandin wrote a book called "the way I SEE it", because she is a visual thinker. So, that is the reason I named my blog "The way I FEEL it". I feel everything. MY husband tells me I need to think a little more. But that for me, is easier said than done. I don't think about things as easily as I feel them. I mean everything, I feel everything. There are times in my life when I feel like an open wound. It is unpleasant at times and as I grow older and gain more life experience, I have learned to still feel, but not allow it to consume me. It is daily work for me. One of the reasons my husband fell in love with me is because I feel so deeply and I feel about everything.
I have had many tell me I am too sensitive, I am too emotional, I need to not be that way because it is unhealthy. But really, I believe they think it is unhealthy because maybe they do not understand me, and it is easier to just label someone than take the time to understand. That is ok, they don't have to, I have nothing against that. But they should leave me be. I make progress in things that I want to make progress in because of the way I "Feel" and how deeply I feel things. That is how I was made up, and if I had to choose, I would not change a thing.
A few years ago, actually it was about 6, I found out that my 2nd child had a mild form of Autism. It is called Aspergers. (It is not listed in my dictionary, and yes, that is the way it is spelled) So, as I began my quest to learn everything there is to know about Autism Spectrum disorders, (I do not like the term "disorder") I ran across a woman by the name Of Temple Grandin. Actually she is known as DR. Temple Grandin, and she has Autism. She also happens to be brilliant and she has written many books on Autism and Animal Behavior . That is a whole other post, (about the animal behavior part) but the autism part is the here and now.....and forever. :)
Dr. Grandin wrote a book called "the way I SEE it", because she is a visual thinker. So, that is the reason I named my blog "The way I FEEL it". I feel everything. MY husband tells me I need to think a little more. But that for me, is easier said than done. I don't think about things as easily as I feel them. I mean everything, I feel everything. There are times in my life when I feel like an open wound. It is unpleasant at times and as I grow older and gain more life experience, I have learned to still feel, but not allow it to consume me. It is daily work for me. One of the reasons my husband fell in love with me is because I feel so deeply and I feel about everything.
I have had many tell me I am too sensitive, I am too emotional, I need to not be that way because it is unhealthy. But really, I believe they think it is unhealthy because maybe they do not understand me, and it is easier to just label someone than take the time to understand. That is ok, they don't have to, I have nothing against that. But they should leave me be. I make progress in things that I want to make progress in because of the way I "Feel" and how deeply I feel things. That is how I was made up, and if I had to choose, I would not change a thing.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Me through my daughter's eyes.
"My MOM is special because she takes me for walks, I love her alot! "
My Daughter uses the word "alot" also, so I am not the only one. :)
I find this to be interesting. This was my (one of a couple) Mother's day note with an illustration along with it. Both myself and my daughter are portrayed in her drawing with having very long hair. Neither her nor I have long hair. Both of us, in fact have short hair. My daughter has got this notion in her head that girls have to have LONG hair, which I find to be a terrible thought. Just because we have short hair we are less than another female with long hair? She has no answer, just that girls are supposed to have long hair.
I would like to get my hands on whatever person has put that idea in her head!!!!
We have enough trouble in our society with out that sort of thinking going on. AND SHE IS ONLY 6.
HMH!!
My Daughter uses the word "alot" also, so I am not the only one. :)
I find this to be interesting. This was my (one of a couple) Mother's day note with an illustration along with it. Both myself and my daughter are portrayed in her drawing with having very long hair. Neither her nor I have long hair. Both of us, in fact have short hair. My daughter has got this notion in her head that girls have to have LONG hair, which I find to be a terrible thought. Just because we have short hair we are less than another female with long hair? She has no answer, just that girls are supposed to have long hair.
I would like to get my hands on whatever person has put that idea in her head!!!!
We have enough trouble in our society with out that sort of thinking going on. AND SHE IS ONLY 6.
HMH!!
a new writer, emergence.
As I begin my new endeavor, (thank God for spell check) my blog should grow in its content of "interesting". I have a very active imagination and a large amount of stuff going on in this brain of mine, but I find that I have a very difficult time with making since of it all. It rarely comes out as I intend it to. The process in and of itself ( of learning to be a better writer) should be quite entertaining and interesting, at least to my self, hopefully to anyone else that reads it.
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